gratitudes, friends and lovers, on becoming trans, tangerine the movie, my fashion, SCOTUS rules against trump, my photography
yesterday i was grateful for wonderful gifts from santa and a day of movies with holly...
today i am looking forward to a big snow storm...
When Friends Become Lovers: H.G. Wells on Navigating Blurring Boundaries – The Marginalian
The change came so entirely without warning or intention that I find it impossible now to tell the order of its phases. What disturbed pebble started the avalanche I cannot trace. Perhaps it was simply that the barriers between us and this masked aspect of life had been wearing down unperceived… It was as if we had taken off something that had hindered our view of each other, like people who unvizored to talk more easily at a masked ball.
this quote from h. g. wells via the marginalian is a very good description of how i felt when my feminine self began to want to express itself... "what disturbed the pebble that started the avalanche" is exactly how i think about discovering my love affair with my feminine self... we had been walking side by side as companionable friends... i have often said i was never a macho masculine... always more a feminine masculine... femman... but i presented mostly as man to the world... wore man clothes... did not wear makeup... and then one day the avalanche began... i was no more able to resist the avalanche psychologically or emotionally, than my body could resist a slide of rocks careening down moauntainside... and i very much view my feminine self as a companion soul to my masculine... i love her in a way i never loved myself in masculine presentation form... it is really hard to delineate this... i am not two separate people... rather... a yinyang configuration of masculine-feminine... feminine-masculine... where the feminine now has a leading role...
people don't generally perceive me as a woman... at least i don't think they do... i don't perceive myself as a woman entire... but i walk hand in hand with a woman that is me... we have a loving relationship...
we continue to watch christmas movies... yesterday we watched tangerine... it is a day in the life of two trans women... one has just been released from a short stay in prison... the other is her friend... the woman just released from prison discovers from her girlfriend that her boyfriend and pimp has been sleeping with another woman while she was gone... she spends the day hunting her down and dragging her to her boyfriend to confront him with her...
what i really appreciated about the film was the depiction of a trans woman putting forward her feminine entirely through clothing, a wig and falsies stuck into her bra... i have a slightly padded bra that i sometimes wear when i want to enhance my chest and feel a little bit more womanly... in a poignant scene at the end she has to remove her wig to clean it in a laundromat... she feels naked without... she clearly can't maintain her sense of being a woman without it... her girlfriend removes her wig and gives it to her to wear while she waits... my wife thought the scene was poignant as well and wondered why the wig was so important... i told her it was important to maintaining her illusion of being a woman... so much of what i do to present is about maintaining my sense of womanlyness... it may sound like lying to yourself... not being your truth... if this womanly sense of self is so easily burst, is it the self you are meant to be?... should you be applying so much psychological energy to maintain an illusion to yourself?...
no, i don't look like a woman to most people... i look like a cross dressing man... but the feeling i want for myself... the illusion i want to exist in... is that of being womanly, if not a woman entire...
i saw this skirt in a store window... i can get it in my size, but it is expensive...
hmmm...
an encouraging sign from the supreme court that they are not interested in completely destroying democracy...
Thoughts on the Supreme Court Ruling Against Trump in the Illinois National Guard Case
On Monday, in Trump v. Illinois, the Supreme Court ruled against Donald Trump in an important case involving his use of the National Guard for domestic law enforcement. The ruling is not a final decision on the merits; it is just a rejection of Trump's motion for a stay of the lower court ruling against him. But the Supreme Court decision strongly suggests the majority believes Trump's actions are illegal, and will rule against him when and if the Court considers the case more fully. In the meantime, Trump's use of the National Guard in Illinois remains blocked. I think the Court got this key issue right, though I might have preferred they rely on somewhat different reasoning.
one can hope that the conservative justices never intended to go all in on authoritarian rule... or one can view it as a sign they sense the waning of power in the trump administration and the maga movement in general... either way, this is an important decision because it clearly signals there is a limit to the use of the military in the homeland...
a couple of pictures from this morning...
